Jupiter Ascending

Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth & Tuppence Middleton

Directed by: The Wachowski Brothers Siblings

Rating: ★★½

What do you get when you put two of the most desirable actors of our time into a movie produced, directed and written by the people who brought us The Matrix Trilogy?

 

Jupiter and Caine speed through the city...

A film that is entirely lost in space, with whole chunks of its plot scattered throughout the galaxy.

I don't think anyone can save them now...

Jupiter Ascending, which should probably be retitled Jupiter Needs Saving, is about a young cleaner called Jupiter Jones (Kunis) who just so happens to be a reincarnation of the most important woman in the entire universe.

Oh Jupiter. You just can't do anything right, can you?

Although, in Jupiter Ascending, being the galaxy's most important woman doesn’t actually mean anything, because she doesn’t have any powers, abilities or even common sense, so it’s a good thing that a genetically engineered human-wolf hybrid soldier called Caine Wise (Tatum) turns up to save her - because someone needs to- as the most powerful alien family in existence want to kill her, particularly Balem Abrasax (Redmayne).

Balem is as camp as Christmas- but as dull as dishwater...

The plot of the movie- about human harvesting or something- is mind-melting awful, mainly because there are so many complicated layers that are constantly being decoded and explained to us. 

Caine can save himself...

The first two thirds of the film is mainly clunky exposition, in which Jupiter asks every single character she meets to explain everything that is going on and the entire history of the universe.

One of the other random Abrasax siblings...

But, ignoring the awful amounts of explanation as to what is happening, and why Jupiter constantly finds herself in need of rescuing by a space soldier, Jupiter Ascending isn’t actually that bad. I kind of enjoyed it. I liked the fact that it was an original idea, and I liked many different elements of it. Just like Cloud Atlas, it has great moments, but, as a whole, struggles to come together.

She ascends into space, and to the throne... get it??

Let’s put aside the fact that at least a third of the movie doesn’t make any sense, and is pretty dull. Let’s also ignore that Jupiter- named after the King of the Roman Gods- can’t do anything for herself as she constantly falls from buildings and trips over her own feet, in what I would deem a Skyfall level of horrific contemporary sexism. Let’s also not even think about the horribly clunky dialogue, crazy backstory and wooden acting.

Jupiter is waiting for her man to save her...

Let's just talk about what I actually liked about Jupiter Ascending.

Caine smolders...

I never in my life thought I would say the following: that Channing Tatum is one of the best things about the film. 

...and pouts...

Caine is cool character that really reminded me of all of the amazing 80s and 90s action films that I hold dear to my heart- he is a great hero, and his performance decent. I’m sure that his fans will love the fact that he gets not one but two shirtless battle scenes. His boots, that give him the ability to fly, are awesome, as are his shield and various other weapons.

...and flies through the air on his cool rocket boots!!

I also really liked the dinosaur monsters. They probably are the single best thing in Jupiter Ascending We need more monster movies, and more movies with really cool monsters in, and The Wachowski’s got these monsters right. 

More dinosaurs, please!

Sure, it makes no sense that there are dinosaurs with wings, but they look brilliant and they are awesome. One of them also gets a pretty excellent fight scene with Caine, so I was happy about that. 

They should have made a movie about this guy...

What I wasn’t happy with was the fact that these dinosaur creatures were heavily underused, and instead we had to watch weird people with big bat ears and crazy alien creatures probing Jupiter’s privates.

... not these weird animal hybrids...

The aliens themselves are pretty poor, especially when you compare them to the ones in Guardians of the Galaxy which look so much better and are entirely believable. Little green men are not very inventive.

... and these crazy aliens...

And as for Channing’s make-up, I think that if he looked less like Mr Tumnus from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe it would have elevated his character. An almost entirely hairless half wolf doesn’t make much sense to me, and I really think they could have developed his backstory much more, and just focused on this instead of the several crazy other subplots such as, um, bee people.

...and Sean Bean as a bumblebee...

The visuals are spectacular- there’s no doubt about that, and the action scenes are really good. The directing is a bit sloppy, and the acting, overall, isn’t great, not that I expect much from the two leads in terms of rich Shakespearean depth.

Blank stare vs blank stare

I really liked Tuppence Middleton as one of the Abrasax siblings. Even though she didn’t have a reason to be in the film, she’s a good actress and she made the most of her part.

Who had to light all those candles?

Academy Award Winning Eddie Redmayne tries to be a memorable villain by channelling his inner Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element, but his hoarse voice and bland campness just made me think he was trying to be a crappy Bond villain. And yes, I am thinking of another Academy Award winning actor, but at least Eddie’s face doesn’t melt for no reason.

This image pretty much sums it up...

Jupiter Ascending’s release date was pushed back an entire year to complete the special effects shots and to work on the marketing. One succeeded, the other didn’t, as the movie has been both a critical and commercial failure. I’m slightly surprised that it was because it has two big leads and isn’t actually dreadful unlike other recent blockbusters.

Space!

I feel sorry for the Wachowskis because they try original ideas out in interesting ways. Sure, bees swarming a ‘Queen’ is super cheesy, but if you compare this to other recent sci-fi movies it’s much more interesting and far more enjoyable.

Bees!! More bees!!

All in all, Jupiter Ascending is an entertaining watch. It might be bogged down in silly subplots about royal ascension, regicide, bureaucracy and bees, but it has spectacular fight scenes and some great action packed sequences that are fast, thrilling and fun. The script just needed to be stripped down and refocused on what was actually important, instead of trying to force us to believe an entirely new world through awkward dialogue instead of visuals.